Life Review

I read a phrase in a book about grief after my dad died: "Life Review." It struck a chord with me. The book argued that it is always ongoing, not merely at a time of death. As someone who has always felt that and been reviewing my life, it struck home. But as someone visited by too many deaths of people close to me this year, it has brought me back to that activity or brought a new urgency to that activity. I have been scanning in old photos and mulling over old relationships. (If I ever wronged you, accept this: "I was wrong, and I apologize." That's the only thing that I wish my parents were able to say and mean. [The Mountain Goats devote a song to people who say they're sorry for things "they can't and won't feel sorry for."])

One of my siblings chided me for saying that I had processed the deaths of my parents in my thirties on my own. A therapist of mine told me that my parents were going to die and I had to make peace with that even if I could not make peace with who they were (and were going to stay). Essentially, you cannot expect people to change or to join you in making peace in your relationship with them.

Last weekend, I spoke with a friend I hadn't seen in ages, whose mother is terminally ill, and the friend said her mother would occasionally make comments apologizing for past wrongs or trying to make peace with people. "That's what everyone hopes for," I told my friend. "But it doesn't always happen; you got the Hallmark movie."

I got together with that friend because I was doing Life Review and trying to get back in touch with long-lost friends. The people inn your life will not always be there. And their exit will be sudden, no matter when it happens.

"Life Review" … Sounds like the title of a magazine … or a blog …